Dads & Fathers

"Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad."

That's a phrase I've heard and seen a lot. I've also seen it transposed too, but to engender the same meaning.
What does it mean? Well, anyone can be biological sire of a child, but it takes someone special to care for that child through the years and help mold that child into a useful person.

I know, I wrote a fair bit about Fathers' day recently, but today's post is a little different, it's about the people who choose not to be a 'Dad' to the child they fathered.

So, a couple split shortly before the birth of their child. So now they're separated (divorced or whatever), for the sake of argument, the child stays with the mother and the father voluntarily pays child support while seeing his child every other weekend or something. This sounds fairly good, yes?
Now, both parents find new partners. The father starts missing visits, paying less attention to his child, breaking promised visits and activities, and paying less support because his funds are stretched - all the while publicly shelling out some hefty amounts of cash on his 'new family'. Gradually his twice a week visits become once a month, then increasingly sporadic, until finally he claims "This is not my child."

He's a nice chap isn't he?

What would you do?
Force him to test for proof it's not his child and make sure he pays child support?
Accept his implied accusation of infidelity and be happy he's out of the child's life?

For my money, the father in this hypothetical situation is running away from his responsibilities, but I would suggest that keeping him away from the child is in the child's best interest as he is likely a destructive influence whether he believes his claim to be true or not.

It will not be often I invite comment, so make the most of it, let me know your thoughts people of the internet.

Fathers' Day

Sunday just gone was, in case you missed it, Fathers' Day.

I always used to think that Fathers' Day was just another notch on the greetings cards companies bedposts, another time to cajole people out their hard earned to buy cards and expensive presents for their parents. After all, there's Valentines Day, Mothers' Day, and probably more to boot.
In previous years I'd buy my dad a card and maybe a small comedy gadget, and my kids would (under guidance of their mother) get me a card and some chocolate.

This year it was different, well it was for me, anyway.

You see, although I call them my kids they are technically my step-children. Over the last year their natural father has become more and more distant; missing visits, cancelling visits, breaking promises, culminated on un-friending the eldest on facebook and now claiming they're not his. I'm not going to go in to the bad feelings I have towards this man, this isn't about that.
Instead, I'm more joyed at how my kids are handling this; the elder one - now over 18 wants me to adopt them. On technicalities I gather this makes very little substantial difference as they're an adult now, but on an emotional level it means a hell of a lot to me. The younger daughter, still very much a child, is calling me 'Dad', something that's been happening more and more over recent months, and is now the norm rather than an occasional happening. When this first started happening I smiled and the 'mistake' was corrected. Now however I get called Dad a lot more, I'm 'the best Dad ever' so I'm told, and it's the best damned thing a child can say.

So, back to Fathers' Day. I received not one, as in previous years, but two, and a present. I will no doubt gain many more pounds in weight from the candy dispenser I was bought, but the real gift was the two cards; one from my younger daughter telling me how great a Dad I was, and one from my elder daughter, not only saying how great of a Dad I was, but why I was great and how thankful she was that I was there for her when she needed a father.

I had no clue that Fathers' Day was supposed to put a lump in your throat like that. Best Fathers' Day ever!

Born this way

What's contained below isn't written by or about me. It was written by a friend of mine on Facebook.

However, she writes with so much more passion, experience, and knowledge, on the subject that I can't help but repeat her work here and hope more people have a chance to read it.

Setting the Record Straight About Being Transsexual.

Or “Born This Way”

Okay, so why have I borrowed a lyric from a Lady Gaga song (Born this way)? Well it makes sense to me, the lyrics that is, as she wrote it with trans people (as well as others) in mind. I've used the same words myself to describe it to people over the past few years, longer then the song has been (it's only been out for about a month and a half at time of writing) so I'm not really plagiarising. When it comes to being transsexual we really were born this way. Allow me to try and explain it to you, then hopefully at the end of the day; you'll be that little bit nicer, and perhaps a touch more accepting of any trans person you encounter, read about or see on television.

Thanks to lots of near hysterical stories, witch-hunts by unscrupulous newspapers, rumours floating around the internet, Chinese-Whispers and out and out lies, the truth about trans people is often hard to find, and where it is found, rarely believed.

Now, I'm not asking you to understand what it's like to know you are or have been trapped in the wrong gender, how could you possibly comprehend that? You've always known who you are, what you are; all your lives - and for that I and those like me envy you. You KNEW you were a boy or a girl and no-one disagreed with you. No one beat you up or hunted you through the streets of your home town, no one called you names or shunned you. So how could you understand? Of-course we knew too, the problem was that it was not the gender everyone thought we were right from the moment we were born!

But what I am going to tell you is the truth, setting the record straight; so that you can go away with a little bit of understanding about us . This isn't my story – although it's obviously inspired in part by the events in my life – nor am I going to tell you specifically what has or hasn't happened to me. That's not why I've written this, I don't want or need your sympathy; nor do I want five minutes of fame. These are just the facts regarding transsexualism, as I (a transsexual woman) see them. I'm sure you can go and get lots of information from doctors and surgeons but this is about having transsexualism by someone who has the condition. Put it this way, if you want to know what it is like in space you can go and talk to an Astronomer or an Astrophysicist, who will no doubt be able to tell you the science and the theory behind why it is so; OR you can talk to an Astronaut who has actually experienced space. So consider me the equivalent of that astronaut.

A large number of people are not aware of what transsexualism and transgenderism is and means – again, lots of rumour and myth going about; so I'll tell you. Someone who suffers from transsexualism has a condition that means they feel their body does not match their gender identity. Some will describe it as being trapped in a body with the wrong gender. They, we; will have lived with the condition all our lives and prior to transitioning, will have fought long and hard against it. Some, unable to cope with the feelings and fearing that those around them will not understand and accept them, opt to commit suicide.

At some point those who go on, will see a doctor and begin the long and painful road to matching their body to their gender identity.

I would like to point out that someone with this recognised medical condition is not a transsexual but a transsexual person – describing someone as a transsexual is akin to describing someone as a black.

Transgenderism covers a wider spectrum of similar conditions and is used as a catch-all term for transsexual people, transvestites, cross-dressers, and many more. As with transsexual, the correct term is transgender people/man/woman, not a transgender. Nor is someone transgendered, as I've seen in print a number of times.

Both the words transgender and transsexual are often shortened to trans.

A trans woman is someone who is presenting as female, ie – if they dress like a woman, call themselves by a female name etc, regardless of whether or not they have had any surgery; then they are a woman. Trans men are the exact opposite. Please do us the common courtesy of addressing us appropriately.

Nor do trans people like to be called trannies, a term most find offensive and insulting and one which many of us equate to black people being called niggers and gay people being called fags. It hurts, so please don't use it.

Oh! and in-case you are wondering there is a term for not being a transgender person too – Cisgender.

Transsexualism is unrelated to Homosexuality and has nothing to do with sex. Transsexualism and transgenderism is about gender identity and being who that person knows they are inside.

A friend of mine once tried to describe it as living in a box. You never did anything wrong and you just happened to be placed there when you were born. Everyone, your friends and family have told you that you belong there and that any wish; any desire you have to leave and escape the box, is very wrong and unnatural.

Friends stop by and peek in and even chat with you for awhile. You can go to work, go to bed, go to dinner, go on a date so long as you remain inside that box. It is all you have ever known and are ever supposed to want to know. But inside that box you feel nothing but misery, a misery that words would never adequately express.

There is a doorway out of the box anytime you should wish to leave however once you leave you can not go back in. You can leave anytime you wish, but waiting outside are all those people who will yell at you, ridicule you and judge you for leaving the box. They will say there is something wrong with you and you should just be happy in your box!! Yet, through that open doorway you can see all kinds of people and most of them are not living in any box themselves. They can wander around doing as they wish to do and they are happy, but you are not allowed to.

An interesting analogy, although I don't know if it's really any easier for people to understand.

One of the things I hear time and again, no matter where I go or what I read is that it's a life-style choice – ie: we choose to have gender reassignment surgery and so therefore we bring it all upon ourselves...

That's far from true. No transsexual man or woman chooses to be so, we are born transsexual and it's no fault of our own – that's where the line from Lady Gaga's song comes into it (and no I'm not really a fan, I just like that song).

Medical science has been working hard to try and work out how and why transsexualism occurs in a small minority of people and whilst no definitive answer has yet been found, there is evidence that it has a genetic origin involving the androgen receptor (NR3C4) . This receptor is activated by the binding of testosterone, where it has a critical role in the forming of the primary and secondary male sex characteristics. Transsexual women have been found to have longer repeat lengths on the gene, which was proven to reduce its effectiveness at binding testosterone. In transsexual men a variant genotype for a gene called CYP17 which acts on the sex hormones pregnenolone and progesterone has been found. This causes the body to have a similar allele distribution pattern to that of cisgender males rather then women.

Other evidence has been found that it involves the structure of the brain, with portions of transsexual peoples brains having been found in separate studies conducted in 1995, 2000, 2002, 2004,2006 and 2008 to be far closer to the brains of the gender the transsexual person feels they are, then the gender they were born in to. This was found to be the case regardless of weather or not the person in question had taken hormones.

People often claim it is perhaps due to the environment or upbringing – ie: the old nature vs nurture argument – and that perhaps people have made their children become transsexual – often by pandering to their desires (instead of slapping it out of them perhaps?). There's a flaw in this argument – several flaws in fact.

Firstly, this conflicts directly with the numbers of military personnel who have come forward as transsexual people – including the likes of Parachute Regiment heroes awarded decorations for heroic actions under fire.

Secondly, there is the unfortunate incident involving David Reimer; who following a botched circumcision that destroyed his penis at 8 months old, and under the advice of Psychologist John Money was given Gender Reassignment Surgery and raised as Brenda. For several years David lived life as Brenda and was completely unaware that he had been born male. John Money claimed it was a success and that it clearly indicated that gender identity was a learned part of life. David however would come to disagree vehemently, experiencing severe suicidal depression about being treated and raised as a girl and refusing to see John Money. By the age of 13 David's parents told him about the accident and by aged 14 David assumed a male role, eventually going on to receive treatment to reverse the reassignment and to marry and adopt children. Sadly, in 2004 David Reimer took his own life aged 38, several years after his identical twin brother – driven to schizophrenia by what had occurred to David – had committed suicide .

So, gender identity is not something that is simply forced upon people by societal expectations.

There is a myth that has done the rounds about lots of transsexual people who have gone through with the surgery, only to realise at a later date that it's not what they wanted and they've made a mistake. As I said at the top of this article I'm going to tell you the truth, I'm not going to tell you that no one has regrets, some people do and that's very sad.

Take Charles Kane for example. In 1997 he paid £60000 to transition into Samantha, by 2004 he had taken actions to reverse the surgery. Charles now claims that Gender Reassignment Surgery is wrong and shouldn't be allowed based upon what occurred in his case, but here's the thing: Charles isn't a transsexual person. Yes okay, he had GRS (gender reassignment surgery) but he shouldn't have. He convinced psychologists and surgeons that he was suffering from transsexualism following a traumatic break up of his marriage. He even lied to himself about it. In fact, Charles Kane now freely admits that he needed counseling for severe depression rather then Gender Reassignment, but if you lie to doctors convincingly enough... He paid his way into getting what he thought he wanted and in doing so he paid to skirt all the security precautions set in place to ensure that it's the right thing for that person.

Look at it this way, it's much like a hypochondriac who convinces an unsuspecting doctor and themselves that the symptoms he or she is exhibiting is that of the medical condition they believe they have. This is in effect what Charles Kane did.

There are people who aren't really suffering from transsexualism who manage to get Gender Reassignment Surgery but there are procedures in place to limit that number, and of the approximately 12000 people in the UK who have undergone GRS less then 10 have since come forward to say they shouldn't have done it for one reason or another.

The normal procedure for those who have a need to undergo GRS involves several years of talking to expert psychologists, psychiatrists and doctors before they finally refer you to the surgeons who will perform the surgery. This also involves a lengthy “real-life test” where in order to proceed you must live and work full time in the gender role you wish to become. That test can take up to 2 yrs to complete that to the satisfaction of the psychologists, sometimes longer. The vast majority of those who go forward for GRS will do so because they need to, and more importantly; will become far happier and more productive members of society. It is possible to circumvent some of these procedures by paying and traveling abroad for surgery, but such loop holes are increasingly becoming harder to find and less available. This in turn means it is harder for mistakes – such as in Charles Kane's case – to be made.

Ridicule, harassment and abuse often become a part of a transsexual persons life. Most transsexual people simply want to get on with their lives as best they can, same as everyone else the world over; but often society has other things in mind. Newspaper stories often ridicule unsuspecting transsexual people, deliberately misgendering them and portraying trans people as something to laugh at and pity, lesser beings if you will. Television shows screen caricatures designed to disgust, or feature comedic routines where transsexuals are the butt of the joke. So called Talk-shows invite transsexual guests for the audience and viewer to poke fun at and ridicule. Even those unfortunate transsexual victims of crime are commonly reported in a negative light, with dark “facts” about things they may or may not have done being used as if they were some sort of justification for the crime against that trans person!

Were the news stories and television jokes about black people, Muslims, Jews or almost any other group of peoples you care to think of there would be outrage – in fact there has been! Yet here it's generally perceived to be okay, after all it's only transsexuals...

Take Peter Kay's creation “Geraldine”, recently trotted out for an appearance in aid of Comic Relief; a character designed and used to make fun of transsexual people. His appearance in aid of charity was quickly followed by appearing on “Loose Women”, “The One Show” and “Lorraine” and spreading more anti-trans humor before a rerun of the show were he created “Geraldine”

This sort of thing filters down to the general public, who encouraged by what they read in the papers and see on the television; verbally and sometimes even physically attack trans people. Newspaper articles often portray transsexual people as liars, deceivers and people who can't be trusted and are incapable of doing their jobs – jobs they may well have done for years prior to their being exposed by the Press! Why? Because elements of society think it is acceptable to do so, their right even. There have been a large number of occasions when I've seen people argue for their right to be bigoted towards transsexual people despite showing care and respect to other groups.

Something to be aware of is that being trans is dangerous. Across the world over the last 2 years hundreds of people have been murdered just for being trans. In South America and Eastern Europe for example, trans people are frequently found beheaded or burnt alive. America has seen trans people strangled, shot and beaten to death. Here in the UK too, trans people have been stabbed and strangled. Many, many more trans people are attacked and assaulted but survive. Now I'm not saying that it only happens to trans people, there are many other groups of people who are targeted by bigots; but I am talking about trans people here.

In countries around the world, Conservative groups, Right-Wing organisations and some Christian groups would have you believe that trans people are dangerous. That a transsexual woman using the ladies toilet or changing room is going to rape women or commit awful acts of pedophilia against the children they encounter! These groups are not only encouraging a lie, they are also making the world a far dangerous place for trans people to exist.

What do I mean by that? Well look at it this way, what happens when a community finds out that a pedophile is living in their midst? That person is often attacked, their homes damaged or destroyed and they are driven away or hurt. If people believe the lie that transsexual people are connected with pedophilia then it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's going to happen next! And it IS a lie.

There are a number of reasons for it being a lie that transsexual people will rape or commit pedophilia and they are good ones. First and foremost, a transsexual woman doesn't want to be perceived as male and often have a dislike for the male genitalia they poses before surgery. In some cases this is out and out disgust, even hatred for it. They don't like seeing it there, so they are unlikely to want to use it. Secondly, transsexual women take estrogen in order to develop a more feminine figure and grow breast tissue, a secondary effect of which is a lowering of the libido and a chemical castration. Thirdly, you can rest assured that when entering the toilets, that any transsexual woman you encounter is likely to be far more fearful of you then you are of them. Why is that? Well it's simple really, if you realise that they are trans and take offense at their being there then you might rush out of the ladies toilets and tell your boyfriend/husband/gang of friends, who may also be as offended as you that we are there and decide to make it known to us, verbally or physically. So really WE are afraid of YOU.

Those aforementioned Conservatives, Right-Wing groups and Christian communities will tell you that trans people should be made to use the toilets of the gender we were born in to, so a transsexual woman should be made to use the Mens and a trans man should use the Ladies. That's assuming they are not telling you that we shouldn't exist in the first place! But here's the thing, if you force a transsexual woman in to the gents toilets then she's going to be hurt – physically I mean. Think about it, any man in there is either going to think a cisgender woman is coming in, in which case there is a real danger of her being raped – regardless of if she has had surgery or not; or they are going to recognise that she is a transsexual woman, in which case she is in danger of being beaten, even killed. That, in my book; makes using public toilets under those conditions, a death sentence.

The same when using a public changing room. Few pre-op transsexual women are going to go swimming for example, and those that do are hardly likely to wander around the changing area naked for everyone present to see that they are transsexual women – remember what I said could happen if someone takes offense and rushes out of the toilets to tell friends and/or family? Same thing could happen in the changing rooms too. And of-course after surgery a transsexual woman is no more physically equipped to rape a girl or woman then, well; any other woman!

So you see, what these groups are trying to tell you is a clear-cut lie, it's also very dangerous – not to you, but to us.

Sadly not every trans man and trans woman can pass people in the street without – at best – being stared at and/or talked about. This is because they stand out from the norm. This unfortunate situation is brought about due to hormones. Not the hormones the trans person is taking to accompany the Gender Reassignment; but the hormones they were born with. It's a sad state that in the UK and most other countries around the world Gender Reassignment Surgery can not occur until the person in question is 18yrs or older. This means that generally speaking most people will have experienced puberty in their birth gender and stopped growing by the time surgery takes place. So transsexual people are forced to try to adapt fully formed adult bodies of their birth gender, and the success of this varies from person to person.

Should it all matter? No it shouldn't matter if the person you pass in the street is a transsexual woman or not, it's none of your business, and what they have or haven't got between their legs is none of your concern (unless you are in a sexual relationship with them) yet oddly it does matter to you. YOU make it an issue, not trans people. It may be hard for you to accept but transsexualism has been around for a very long time, no seriously. Okay, surgery has only been available since the 1930's but there have been transgender peoples throughout history – from the Roman Gallea – priestess's of the Goddess Cybele, to the Two-Spirit Native Americans and beyond, it's nothing new. So that being the case, why do the Press make such an issue of it? Why are trans people beaten, abused and even killed all over the World?

I do understand curiosity, it's part of what makes us human. That desire to learn about things that we don't understand is what drove us to become what we are as a species. From that point of view I'm usually happy to talk to people who are curious and who genuinely want to understand me a little better – although like I said at the start: How can you really understand something that you have absolutely no point of reference for? But I will – assuming the time and place is right – normally take the time and effort to help you out a bit. In return all I ask for is the same courtesy and dignity you show others, that and the right to live my life as I see fit, without fear of persecution and death. Is that really, honestly; too much to ask for?

Because of what I do I travel all over the country, and I enjoy doing so; but I live with the constant fear that sooner or later I am going to encounter a transphobic bigot who won't just stop at verbally abusing me. I try not to let it stop me but if I'm honest it's scary as hell and many trans people choose not to go out and about because of that fear. There is – at time of writing – approximately 61113205 people living in the United Kingdom, of that number it is estimated that 12000 are transsexual people, not really a threat is it?

So, what can you the reader do? Well you can accept it when we say that we didn't choose to be transsexual people, that we didn't just wake up one morning and decide to be the opposite gender. Accept it when we tell you that we are not insane, freaks or perverts or anything else nasty that bigots choose to call us. We are human, just like you; we've just had to go out of our way to correct an unfortunate mistake of nature. Don't crucify us for that. We're not evil or unnatural, we won't hurt you, or your kids. We can't turn your kids into transsexual children just by looking at or being near to them. Get to know us, we're not that different to you. You may even like some of us.

We're just trying to live our lives, give us a chance to do that

As I said, elquently written, with the passion born of experience.
Here's the link to the original article:
https://www.facebook.com/notes/joanne-beck/born-this-way/10150173433344134

Who is / What is MoaCWS?

MoaCWS:- Memoirs of a Corporate Wage Slave

I'm arguably middle-aged, depending on which definition you look at; the US Census lists it as 35-44 and 45-54, while Oxford English dictionary lists it as "The period of life between young adulthood and old age, now usually regarded as between about forty-five and sixty." Psychologists say it's from around 40 to 65. So on that there's no clear agreement.

Now, where was, oh, yes, I'm arguably middle aged, but distinctly a corporate middle management wave slave (hence the title).

This is my first real foray in to blogging, my aim is to NOT blog about the everyday humdrum boringness or whinges, but to comment on news items with my own thoughts, make observations on people in general, and maybe post a few articles here and there from my own hobbies - yes, despite the commute and the 9-5, I do spend some time doing fun things ... well, they're fun for me.

I will note that it's possible that my views may not be politically correct, so ... well, you have been warned. Read at your peril.